confusing days
march 18, 2023

listening: dad rock

watching: better call saul

reading: trigun, yu-gi-oh

eating: salgadinho

yaoi ship currently on my mind:
vashwood (trigun)

moving has been extremely stressing and annoying. today my mother threw a tantrum at me today because she’s stressed. i can’t really blame her because i’m mostly the same, sincerely. i’ve been mostly hanging out with my girlfriend watching stuff and ignoring my classes.

still haven’t found a new job. was fired from my last job because the agency was going out of business. have been to a few interviews and even had a job (sort of) “promised” to me, they sent me a message asking if i could start on the 13th, but i got there they said they couldn’t hire me as an intern. worst of all is that i spent almost 4 hours going there and coming back home. the people there really didn’t seem sorry either. i didn’t even know what to say to my parents and my girlfriend when i came back home.

since i’m moving, i’m selling some of my stuff away. i wish i could spent it on stuff for my room in the new apartment, but sincerely, i just would like to see my girlfriend as soon as possible… i’m sad, to say the least! i really wish i could see them around april but i guess that won’t be happening soon, only if i get to sell my stuff quickly.

if you, y’know, would like to throw some coins at me, to help us with our lesbian dreams coming true for nothing in return… here.

also! i’m finally going back to drawing, little by little. here’s a study ive been making:

really enjoying this one; it’s from a picture i took from my sonico figure a few years ago for this exact purpose, but only got to do it around these days to cool off. i was in a rut about my art; was feeling extremely shitty about it, feeling like i couldn’t do cool things like other people do, but this study is really lifting my spirits, fortunately. i really like how its coming out. i hope i can do more of these soon.

- candy

a review on my favorite worst visual novel
february 23, 2023

warning: this visual novel contains sex, rape, violence, blood, torture and incest. this review describes such scenes in (some) detail.

review also available here

entitled kikokugai, or the cyber slayer, written by gen urobuchi (worked on titles like madoka magica, psycho pass, and fate series), who famously writes sad and depressing stories, and plublished by nitroplus, this novel is about revenge, crime, cyber warriors and martial arts. kong taoluo, martial arts master and former assassin in a high ranking society, returns to shanghai, after being assumed dead and being betrayed by the syndicate and his best friend. after finding out his sister was murdered, he sets out on murdering those who wronged his sibling.

it sounds really cool right? but i'll be honest with you - not really. however, i did find it entertaining, because let's be real, cyber punk shanghai with martial arts and transhumanism sounds pretty cool. but the story gets pretty ridiculous:

(tw: rape, torture)

the story starts out with a woman being raped. yeah, it starts just like that. it's not an extremely long scene, but it's unavoidable and literally the start of the story. i'm not kidding, when you open the first release version of the visual novel you get blasted with a sex scene in the face.

later you know that this woman is actually a robot. for a second you think - "oh, ok. it's very weird that someone programmed a robot to simulate a woman being raped, but, ok." then, you find out that this robot, actually has one of the 5 pieces of kong ruili's soul, the protagonist's sister, who was brutally murdered while being gang raped.

and these robots where made to recreate ruili's last moment's everyday, where they are constantly raped by their owners.

it doesnt end there: after killing 4 out 5 of ruili's murderers, the one left is liu haojun, ruili's ex-husband and kong taoluo's ex-best friend. and he tells us why he killed ruili:

because she wanted to! he says ruili asked for this, because she didn't really love liu haojun, she was actually in love with her brother. so, she thought that she was worthless and didn't deserve to live because of this, so she asked liu haojun to rape her and kill her, to separate her soul into different robots so she could relive her last moments of torture everyday.

then kong taoluo and liu haojun fight each other to death while ruili gathers the last piece of her soul, and becomes her "old self" again. (but she's a robot now) in the end, shows that kong taoluo died, but ruili got to him in time and moved his conciousness into hers, so they live together in a incestuous heaven inside her mind/brain/cpu.

personally, as a woman, i refuse to believe another woman asked, nay, begged to be raped by her husband. but maybe incestuous freaks are that dramatic, idk. but personally, i like to believe that liu haojun was just lying, and he killed her to torture her by not being in love with him. seems more plausible to me than... the final thing. so,

should you read kikokugai?

sincerely?, no, not really. if you're really interested, and can stomatch the ridiculous plot and the rape, maybe go for it. i'd only recommend it to people who are already into visual novels and would like to read something new. (although this story is so niche that only visual novel nerds will end up reading it) story starts really good and interesting, has a good momentum and interestingly written fight scenes, but the setting is extremely bleak and depressing that only few can stomach. the story drags a little towards the middle but picks up once you get to liu haojun. the soundtrack is really good tho.

why do i like kikokugai so much?

i have to be honest, it was just incredibly entertaining. read this one a while a go and it just stuck with me. i love reading stories that are bleak and depressing, and this does just that. it's bleak, traumatic, depressing, and i really love it. you can really feel and understand the pain of the protagonist - he lost everything, his friends, the society he lived in, his own family. it's painful, sincerely, i'd do the same for my sister too if i was in the same place. even if she was in love with me and that's weird as fuck. other than that, the characters are really captivating, specially ruili, to see her growing up extremely fast right in front of your eyes, to be able to become herself again, just so she can leave her trauma behind. i really loved the setting too.

it's a captivating story, but unfortunately, i think the main reason why i think i could be better is just the fact that liu haojun blamed his own wife for her death, that she asked for this, which to me, i really like to believe that he's just lying. but glad that after this gen urobuchi started hating women a little less.

read the yaoi manhwa that went "viral" on twitter
february 18, 2023

this is a "review" based on my twitter live tweet thread! this review is also on anilist!

warning: this manhwa contains sex, rape, abuse and violence. this review also describes such scenes in (some) detail.

finished reading everything that is out so far from the manhwa called "Trapped in the Dark" by Numu. this particular manhwa gathered a bit of attention from people because of this tweet, pointing out how... absurd the art style is. and i, who does enjoy a bit of hate reading And ridiculous yaoi, got really curious about it.

i was extremely curious to see such art style in the year of our lord 2023, and wondered if the art style also carried the same type of plot that would would see in mangas back in the day. and well, it sort of does. 

the story is about hae-on, a kpop idol who never made it big because of a gay dating scandal between a member of his group. but suddenly his career gets a fresh new start because of a secret new sponsor... while terrible things happen to him. he's being stalked, his house is broken in. suddenly, he gets a new manager, a "handsome", tall, broad man, with huge hands and huge dick. the guy makes him feel safe, they fall in love and the attacks towards hae-on stop happening. the guy even chases away hae-on's abusive ex-boyfriend. but... "suddenly"... his new boyfriend starts being abusive as well. 

it's revealed the guy with black hair (can't be bothered to remember his name, sorry) started by stalking him before his debut, installed cameras on his apartment (which the hae-on's ex boyfriend did too), made the him trust him by faking a house invasion, making him feel "safe" by start living with him. 

when they start dating, it gets worse. he rapes him, gaslights him, manipulates him, even goes so far to stab himself in public while hae-on was talking to another actor on set. 

season one ends with the protagonist wanting to break up with him due to all the abuse and being upset that his relationships are always abusive, and the guy beats the shit out of him. hae-on is unconscious. it's revealed that the boyfriend has been building a "basement", and the manhwa ends with hae-on unconscious, bleeding and being taken somewhere by his manager/stalker boyfriend.

so yeah. its not them being presented in a good light like junjou romantica, where rape and abuse is great and only strengthens the bond in a relationship, it's really just this twink being absolutely miserable and suffering in the hands of these men, specially his new boyfriend. it's just a depressing manhwa about a really awful and abusive relationship.

the art style is, of course, the most attention grabbing part of the manhwa. it really brings you back to the cheap 2000s bl with huge hands and huge dicks and awful anatomy all around. i sincerely have no idea if this was a deliberate choice by the artist or... not. because they're clearly talented, their shading is amazing, but the only real flaw in the art is the anatomy and proportions of the characters.

that being said, would i recommend it? hmmm... not really. only if you really, really want to read something extremely depressive and can stomach the art style. it's not  exactly super well written either, the story is just okay, and it went by pretty fast.. but so many bad things happen its just really depressing.

personally, i wouldn't even recommend hate reading it because its just really violent and the only parts that makes it funny are the style.

would i continue reading it? yeah, probably. like i said, i do enjoy reading bad yaoi, or yaoi that is just plainly ridiculous, just for the fun of it. but this one isn't that fun and really sad, but i do want to know how this all will end, if the guy somehow has a redemption arc, or if hae-on will be dead, or if his boyfriend will be dead, or they will both die. i really want to know for some reason. i actually want to read more...

also, towards the end, while the boyfriend has a bunch of psychotic break downs, it shows a bit of his past, that he was likely abused and/or has a severe mental disorder that made him like this. of all the options that was listed, i really hope he doesn't get a redemption arc or gets away (easily) with what he has done, because sincerely, it would be the most boring one of all.

friend wants to form a duet...
february, 2023

if he asked me a while ago, i wouldve accepted. im a pretty good singer! and for the longest time i dreamt everyday about taking singing and being a musician professionally. the only teacher that has ever believed in me really wanted me to succeed in music. but after years of therapy ive finally realized that being the center of attention like this is really not for me. and i feel kinda sad about it.

like, although i really do love singing, i feel much better about sitting on my desk and being a graphic designer. id love to record my own covers and post them online for my friends to see, but i could never ever form a band. i only wanna cover what i like, if i wanna create music i wanna create what i exclusively want to do, and not even make small sacrifices for it, i wanna do it for myself and no one else.

i sort of feel guilty for being so good, and dreaming about it for so long, finally reaching my goal but not want to what my teacher or others had proposed to me (to form a band, to sing at weddings, perform at events, etc), because after becoming an adult and realizing it, psychologically, it really is not for me.

i do not wanna deal with audiences, i dont wanna sing what songs the audience wants to hear, i dont wanna sing whatever bland rock music my band would like me to sing, i wanna do it for myself and no one else.

the time ive had the best singing lessons of my life i was riddled with extreme anxiety and depression, and im much, much better now (even if i was in a rut a few days ago, compared to how i acted before... im really, feeling much better now), so i want to be better than i was before and finally do what ive always wanted to do, and record song covers I've always wanted to sing ever since i was a kid.

again, ive said it in a previous blog but I'll definitely go back to singing classes again this year. it's still one of my passions and i still want to do it. but this time im gonna be selfish and do it for me and for me only.

its not a bad thing to give up on your dreams. i don't wanna be a popstar anymore, i dont wanna be an idol anymore, and thats okay. i still wanna keep singing, i still wanna make music somehow; but i dont care for an audience, or a big stage, or to be rich (although it would be nice to be rich, of course); i just wanna do fun stuff by myself and show it to my friends because thats what i enjoy and thats quite alright.

related: giving up by kickthepj, brick by boring brick by paramore

also, this friend is a Whole other can of worms... hes so complicated and even if i was interested in forming a group, he would not keep it consistent or being active for very long... ive known him since we were kids, so... lol

- candy

in a rut recently...
february, 2023

(vent... kinda trauma dumping lol cw: weight mention)

idk if its just me, but the fact that i haven't had the strength to do my new years resolutions is kinda bringing me down. one of my resolutions is losing weight.

when i left high school, the pandemic happened and i've gained a lot of weight, currently at 100kg, and being at 3 digits worries me. 

i've been thinking a lot about my past. as a child, i used to be called fat A LOT, but sincerely, looking back, it was just baby fat. friends and family used to call me fat all the time, and when i was a kid, i used to constantly think about how fat i was and how much weight i needed to lose. never developed an eating disorder, which is great, but its still pretty awful to look back, specially at old pictures, and realizing that people around me constantly called me fat when... i had a very normal weight for a child my stature! ive always been pretty tall, and being 60kg~70kg when i was 15 was not a bad thing.

there was even a time where i went to a endocrinologist? i think? when i was a kid, and she literally YELLED at me and my mother for being fat, said that i was almost obese, that my mother should be ashamed. i was 1,70cm tall and weighted around 70kg! it was sincerely not bad or weird for my height to have that weight!

while ive been tortured a lot when i was a child for not being Bony Skinny, i don't hate myself for being fat. i don't hate it at all. because it was the people around that made me want to hate myself for it. but i don't. i'm sincerely worried about my health this time. while i know that having diabetes is not restricted to being fat; i dont wanna become diabetic or discover a very difficult to solve thyroid related issue. 

so, this year, my resolution is to at least go back to weighting 80kg. its not impossible! i know i can do it! its just very hard to get started. specially when your job involves sitting around and i'm not a very active person.

i've started going to pilates classes last year, and it has been a lot of fun! but i wanna add something more to my exercise routine, like running on a threadmill for one hour a day. i hate getting sweating and washing my hair everyday because of sensory issues (and because i dye it blue, i dont wanna waste my money so quickly!!), but i'm gonna do my best.

one more thing: another resolution i have this year is going back to singing classes. really hope i can find a stable, non-intern and homeoffice job so i can pay for everything without bothering my mom or my father. i really miss singing, its one of the things i do that i was most proud of, but being without practice makes it difficult. 

but this will definitely be a good year. i wanna achieve my goals! and specially, i want to see my girlfriend irl! i've been really stuck on my sad thoughts that i didn't stop to think how exciting things look in the future. really hope everything goes well. i wanna make this year a good one.

- candy