(vent... kinda trauma dumping lol cw: weight mention)

idk if its just me, but the fact that i haven't had the strength to do my new years resolutions is kinda bringing me down. one of my resolutions is losing weight.

when i left high school, the pandemic happened and i've gained a lot of weight, currently at 100kg, and being at 3 digits worries me. 

i've been thinking a lot about my past. as a child, i used to be called fat A LOT, but sincerely, looking back, it was just baby fat. friends and family used to call me fat all the time, and when i was a kid, i used to constantly think about how fat i was and how much weight i needed to lose. never developed an eating disorder, which is great, but its still pretty awful to look back, specially at old pictures, and realizing that people around me constantly called me fat when... i had a very normal weight for a child my stature! ive always been pretty tall, and being 60kg~70kg when i was 15 was not a bad thing.

there was even a time where i went to a endocrinologist? i think? when i was a kid, and she literally YELLED at me and my mother for being fat, said that i was almost obese, that my mother should be ashamed. i was 1,70cm tall and weighted around 70kg! it was sincerely not bad or weird for my height to have that weight!

while ive been tortured a lot when i was a child for not being Bony Skinny, i don't hate myself for being fat. i don't hate it at all. because it was the people around that made me want to hate myself for it. but i don't. i'm sincerely worried about my health this time. while i know that having diabetes is not restricted to being fat; i dont wanna become diabetic or discover a very difficult to solve thyroid related issue. 

so, this year, my resolution is to at least go back to weighting 80kg. its not impossible! i know i can do it! its just very hard to get started. specially when your job involves sitting around and i'm not a very active person.

i've started going to pilates classes last year, and it has been a lot of fun! but i wanna add something more to my exercise routine, like running on a threadmill for one hour a day. i hate getting sweating and washing my hair everyday because of sensory issues (and because i dye it blue, i dont wanna waste my money so quickly!!), but i'm gonna do my best.

one more thing: another resolution i have this year is going back to singing classes. really hope i can find a stable, non-intern and homeoffice job so i can pay for everything without bothering my mom or my father. i really miss singing, its one of the things i do that i was most proud of, but being without practice makes it difficult. 

but this will definitely be a good year. i wanna achieve my goals! and specially, i want to see my girlfriend irl! i've been really stuck on my sad thoughts that i didn't stop to think how exciting things look in the future. really hope everything goes well. i wanna make this year a good one.

- candy