if he asked me a while ago, i wouldve accepted. im a pretty good singer! and for the longest time i dreamt everyday about taking singing and being a musician professionally. the only teacher that has ever believed in me really wanted me to succeed in music. but after years of therapy ive finally realized that being the center of attention like this is really not for me. and i feel kinda sad about it.
like, although i really do love singing, i feel much better about sitting on my desk and being a graphic designer. id love to record my own covers and post them online for my friends to see, but i could never ever form a band. i only wanna cover what i like, if i wanna create music i wanna create what i exclusively want to do, and not even make small sacrifices for it, i wanna do it for myself and no one else.
i sort of feel guilty for being so good, and dreaming about it for so long, finally reaching my goal but not want to what my teacher or others had proposed to me (to form a band, to sing at weddings, perform at events, etc), because after becoming an adult and realizing it, psychologically, it really is not for me.
i do not wanna deal with audiences, i dont wanna sing what songs the audience wants to hear, i dont wanna sing whatever bland rock music my band would like me to sing, i wanna do it for myself and no one else.
the time ive had the best singing lessons of my life i was riddled with extreme anxiety and depression, and im much, much better now (even if i was in a rut a few days ago, compared to how i acted before... im really, feeling much better now), so i want to be better than i was before and finally do what ive always wanted to do, and record song covers I've always wanted to sing ever since i was a kid.
again, ive said it in a previous blog but I'll definitely go back to singing classes again this year. it's still one of my passions and i still want to do it. but this time im gonna be selfish and do it for me and for me only.
its not a bad thing to give up on your dreams. i don't wanna be a popstar anymore, i dont wanna be an idol anymore, and thats okay. i still wanna keep singing, i still wanna make music somehow; but i dont care for an audience, or a big stage, or to be rich (although it would be nice to be rich, of course); i just wanna do fun stuff by myself and show it to my friends because thats what i enjoy and thats quite alright.
related: giving up by kickthepj, brick by boring brick by paramore
- candy